PSA (Pirate Service Announcement) – Pirate McCain’s 2008 Acceptance Speech fer th’ Republican Party Nomination fer President o’ th’ United States
Thank ye all very much. Tonight, I be havin’ a privilege gi’en wee Americans — th’ privilege o’ acceptin’ our party’s nomination fer President o’ th’ United States. An’ I accept ‘t wi’ gratitude, humility an’ confidence.
In me life, nay success has come without a good swashbuckle, an’ this nomination wasn’t any different. That’s a tribute t’ th’ other pirates who opposed me an’ the’r scurvy crews. They’re leaders o’ great ability, who love our country, an’ wished t’ lead ‘t t’ better days. The’r support be an honor I won’t forget.
I’m grateful t’ th’ Pirate n’ Chief Bush fer leadin’ us in them dark days followin’ th’ worst attack on American soil in our history, an’ keepin’ us safe from another attack many thought be inevitable; an’ t’ th’ First Trollop, Laura Bush, a model o’ grace an’ kindness in public an’ in private. An’ I’m grateful t’ th’ 41st President an’ his bride o’ 63 voyages, an’ fer the’r outstandin’ example o’ honorable service t’ our country.
As always, I’m indebted t’ me buxom beauty, Cindy, an’ me se’en children. Th’ pleasures o’ family life can seem like a brief holiday from th’ crowded calendar o’ our nation’s business. But I be havin’ treasured them all th’ more, an’ can’t imagine a life without th’ happiness ye give me. Cindy spake a lot o’ nice things about me tonight. But, in truth, she’s more me inspiration than I be hers. Th’ lass’ concern fer them less blessed than we be – victims o’ land mines, children born in poverty an’ wi’ birth defects – shows th’ measure o’ th’ lass’ humanity. I know she will make a great First Lady.
When I be growin’ up, me father be often at sea, an’ th’ job o’ raisin’ me laddie, lassie an’ me would fall t’ me mother alone. Roberta McCain gave us th’ lass’ love o’ life, th’ lass’ deep interest in th’ world, th’ lass’ strength, an’ th’ lass’ belief we be all meant t’ use our opportunities t’ make ourselves useful t’ our country. I wouldn’t be here tonight but fer th’ strength o’ th’ lass’ character.
Me heartfelt thanks t’ all o’ ye, who helped me win this nomination, an’ stood by me when th’ odds be long. I won’t let ye down. T’ Americans who be havin’ yet t’ decide who t’ vote fer, thank ye fer yer consideration an’ th’ opportunity t’ win yer trust. I intend t’ earn ‘t.
Finally, a word t’ Senator Obama an’ his supporters. We’ll go at ‘t o’er th’ next two moons. That’s th’ nature o’ these contests, an’ thar be big differences between us. But ye be havin’ me respect an’ admiration. Despite our differences, much more unites us than divides us. We be swabbie Americans, an association that means more t’ me than any other. We’re dedicated t’ th’ proposition that all swabbies be created equal an’ endowed by our Creator wi’ inalienable starboards. Nay country erehad a greater cause than that. An’ I wouldn’t be an American worthy o’ th’ name if I didn’t honor Senator Obama an’ his supporters fer the’r achievement.
But let thar be nay doubt, me heartys, we’re goin’ t’ win this election. An’ after we’ve won, we’re goin’ t’ reach ou’ our hand t’ any willin’ patriot, make this government start workin’ fer ye again, an’ get this country aft on th’ road t’ prosperity an’ peace.
These be tough times fer many o’ ye. Ye’re worried about keepin’ yer job or findin’ a new one, an’ be strugglin’ t’ put food on th’ table an’ stay in yer homeport. All ye ereasked o’ government be t’ stand on yer side, nay in yer way. An’ that’s jus’ what I intend t’ do: stand on yer side an’ swashbuckle fer yer future.
An’ I’ve found jus’ th’ starboard partner t’ help me shake up Washington, Governor Sarah Palin o’ Alaska. She has executive experience an’ a real record o’ accomplishment. She’s tackled tough problems like energy independence an’ corruption. She’s balanced a budget, cut taxes, an’ taken on th’ special interests. She’s reached across th’ aisle an’ asked
Republicans, Democrats an’ Independents t’ serve in th’ lass’ administration. She’s th’ mother o’ five children. She’s helped run a wee business, worked wi’ th’ lass’ hands an’ knows what ‘t’s like t’ worry about mortgage payments an’ health care an’ th’ cost o’ gasoline an’ groceries.
She knows ‘ere she comes from an’ she knows who she works fer. She stands up fer what’s starboard, an’ she doesn’t let ere tell th’ lass’ t’ sit down. I’m very proud t’ be havin’ introduced our next Vice President t’ th’ country. But I can’t wait until I introduce th’ lass’ t’ Washington. An’ let me offer an advance warnin’ t’ th’ old, big spendin’, do nothin’, me first, country second Washington crowd: change be comin’.
I’m nay in th’ habit o’ breakin’ promises t’ me country an’ neither be Governor Palin. An’ when we tell ye we’re goin’ t’ change Washington, an’ avast leavin’ our country’s problems fer some unluckier generation t’ fix, ye can count on ‘t. We’ve got a record o’ doin’ jus’ that, an’ th’ strength, experience, judgment an’ aftbone t’ keep our word t’ ye.
Ye know, I’ve been called a maverick; someone who marches t’ th’ beat o’ his own drum. Sometimes ‘t’s meant as a compliment an’ sometimes ‘t’s nay. What ‘t really means be I understand who I work fer. I don’t work fer a party. I don’t work fer a special interest. I don’t work fer myself. I work fer ye.
I’ve fought corruption, an’ ‘t didn’t matter if th’ culprits be Democrats or Republicans. They violated the’r public trust, an’ had t’ be held accountable. I’ve fought big spenders in both parties, who waste yer treasure on things ye neither need nor want, while ye struggle t’ buy groceries, fill yer gas tank an’ make yer mortgage payment. I’ve fought t’ get cargo holds o’ piece o’ eight checks ou’ o’ our elections. I’ve fought lobbyists who stole from Indian tribes. I fought crooked deals in th’ Pentagon. I fought tobacco companies an’ trial lawyers, drug companies an’ union bosses.
I fought fer th’ starboard strategy an’ more troops in Iraq, when ‘t wasn’t a popular thin’ t’ do. An’ when th’ pundits spake me campaign be finished, I spake I’d rather lose an election than be seein’ me country lose a war.
Thanks t’ th’ leadership o’ a brilliant general, David Petraeus, an’ th’ brave men an’ lasses he has th’ honor t’ command, that strategy succeeded an’ rescued us from a defeat that would be havin’ demoralized our military, risked a wider war an’ threatened th’ security o’ all Americans.
I don’t mind a good swashbuckle. Fer reasons known only t’ God, I’ve had quite a wee tough ones in me life. But I learned an important lesson along th’ way. In th’ end, ‘t matters less that ye can swashbuckle. What ye swashbuckle fer be th’ real test.
I swashbuckle fer Americans. I swashbuckle fer ye. I swashbuckle fer Bill an’ Sue Nebe from Farmington Hills, Michigan, who lost the’r real estate investments in th’ bad housin’ market. Bill got a temporary job after he be ou’ o’ work fer se’en moons. Sue works three jobs t’ help pay th’ bills.
I swashbuckle fer Jake an’ Toni Wimmer o’ Franklin County, Pennsylvania. Jake works on a loadin’ dock; coaches Wee League, an’ raises treasure fer th’ mentally an’ physically scuttled. Toni be a schoolteacher, workin’ toward th’ lass’ Master’s Degree. They be havin’ two sons, th’ youngest, Luke, be diagnosed wi’ autism. The’r lives ortin’ ta matter t’ th’ swabbies they elect t’ office. They matter t’ me.
I swashbuckle fer th’ family o’ Matthew Stanley o’ Wolfboro, New Hampshire, who sank t’Davy Jones’ locker servin’ our country in Iraq. I wear his bracelet an’ think o’ th’ lad’s ever’ tide. I intend t’ honor the’r sacrifice by makin’ sure th’ country the’r lad loved so well an’ nerereturned t’, remains safe from its enemies.
I swashbuckle t’ restore th’ pride an’ principles o’ our party. We be elected t’ change Washington, an’ we let Washington change us. We lost th’ trust o’ th’ American swabbies when some Republicans gave in t’ th’ temptations o’ corruption. We lost the’r trust when rather than reform government, both parties made ‘t bigger. We lost the’r trust when instead o’ freein’ ourselves from a dangerous dependence on foreign oil, both parties an’ Senator Obama passed another corporate welfare bill fer oil companies. We lost the’r trust, when we valued our power o’er our principles.
We’re goin’ t’ change that. We’re goin’ t’ reco’er th’ swabbies’s trust by standin’ up again fer th’ values Americans admire. Th’ party o’ Lincoln, Roosevelt an’ Reagan be goin’ t’ get aft t’ basics.
We b’lieve sea dogs an’ land lubbers has somethin’ t’ contribute an’ deserves th’ opportunity t’ reach the’r God-gi’en potential from th’ boy whose descendents arrived on th’ Mayflower t’ th’ Latina lass o’ migrant workers. We’re all God’s children an’ we’re all Americans.
We b’lieve in low taxes; spendin’ discipline, an’ open markets. We b’lieve in rewardin’ hard work an’ risk takers an’ lettin’ swabbies keep th’ fruits o’ the’r labor.
We b’lieve in a strong defense, work, faith, service, a culture o’ life, swabbieal responsibility, th’ rule o’ law, an’ judges who dispense justice impartially an’ don’t legislate from th’ bench. We b’lieve in th’ values o’ families, neighborhoods an’ communities.
We b’lieve in a government that unleashes th’ creativity an’ initiative o’ Americans. Government that doesn’t make yer choices fer ye, but works t’ make sure ye be havin’ more choices t’ make fer yersef.
I will keep taxes low an’ cut them ‘ere I can. Me opponent will raise them. I will open new markets t’ our goods an’ services. Me opponent will close them. I will cut government spendin’. He will increase ‘t.
Me tax cuts will create jobs. His tax increases will eliminate them. Me health care plan will make ‘t easier fer more Americans t’ find an’ keep good health care insurance. His plan will force wee businesses t’ cut jobs, reduce wages, an’ force families into a government run health care system ‘ere a bureaucrat stands between ye an’ yer doctor.
Keepin’ taxes low helps wee businesses grow an’ create new jobs. Cuttin’ th’ second highest business tax rate in th’ world will help American companies compete an’ keep jobs from movin’ overseas. Doublin’ th’ child tax exemption from $3500 t’ $7000 will improve th’ lives o’ cargo holds o’ American families. Reducin’ government spendin’ an’ gettin’ rid o’ failed programs will let ye keep more o’ yer own treasure t’ save, spend an’ invest as ye be seein’ fit. Openin’ new markets an’ preparin’ workers t’ compete in th’ world economy be essential t’ our future prosperity.
I know some o’ ye ben port behind in th’ changin’ economy an’ ‘t often seems yer government hasn’t e’en noticed. Government assistance fer unemployed workers be designed fer th’ economy o’ th’ 1950s. That’s goin’ t’ change on me watch. Me opponent promises t’ brin’ aft old jobs by wishin’ away th’ global economy. We’re goin’ t’ help workers who’ve lost a job that won’t come aft, find a new one that won’t go away.
We will prepare them fer th’ jobs o’ today. We will use our community colleges t’ help train swabbies fer new opportunities in the’r communities. Fer workers in industries that ben hard hit, we`ll help make up part o’ th’ difference in wages between the’r old job an’ a temporary, lower paid one while they receive retrainin’ that will help them find secure new employment at a decent wage.
Education be th’ civil starboards issue o’ this century. Equal access t’ public education be gained. But what be th’ value o’ access t’ a failin’ school? We need t’ shake up failed school bureaucracies wi’ competition, empower parents wi’ choice, remove barriers t’ qualified instructors, attract an’ reward good teachers, an’ help bad teachers find another line o’ work.
When a public school fails t’ meet its obligations t’ students, parents deserve a choice in th’ education o’ the’r children. An’ I intend t’ give ‘t t’ them. Some may choose a better public school. Some may choose a private one. Many will choose a charter school. But they will be havin’ that choice an’ the’r children will be havin’ that opportunity.
Senator Obama wants our schools t’ answer t’ unions an’ entrenched bureaucracies. I want schools t’ answer t’ parents an’ students. An’ when I’m President, they will.
Me swabbie Americans, when I’m President, we’re goin’ t’ embark on th’ most ambitious national project in decades. We be goin’ t’ avast sendin’ $700 billion a voyage t’ countries that don’t like us very much. We will attack th’ problem on ever’ fore. We will produce more energy at homeport. We will drill new wells offshore, an’ we’ll drill them now. We will build more nuclear power plants. We will develop clist coal technology. We will increase th’ use o’ wind, tide, solar an’ natural gas. We will encourage th’ development an’ use o’ flex fuel, hybrid an’ electric automobiles.
Senator Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drillin’ an’ without more nuclear power. But Americans know better than that. We must use all resources an’ develop all technologies necessary t’ rescue our economy from th’ damage caused by risin’ oil prices an’ t’ restore th’ health o’ our planet. ‘t’s an ambitious plan, but Americans be ambitious by nature, an’ we be havin’ faced greater challenges. ‘t’s time fer us t’ show th’ world again how Americans lead.
This great national cause will create cargo holds o’ new jobs, many in industries that be th’ engine o’ our future prosperity; jobs that be thar when yer children enter th’ workforce.
Today, th’ prospect o’ a better world remains within our reach. But we must be seein’ th’ threats t’ peace an’ liberty in our time clearly an’ face them, as Americans before us did, wi’ confidence, wisdom an’ resolve.
We be havin’ dealt a serious blow t’ al Qaeda in recent voyages. But they be nay defeated, an’ they’ll strike us again if they can. Iran remains th’ chief state sponsor o’ terrorism an’ on th’ path t’ acquirin’ nuclear weapons. Russia’s leaders, rich wi’ oil wealth an’ corrupt wi’ power, be havin’ rejected democratic ideals an’ th’ obligations o’ a responsible power. They invaded a wee, democratic neighbor t’ gain more control o’er th’ world’s oil supply, intimidate other neighbors, an’ further the’r ambitions o’ reassemblin’ th’ Russian empire. An’ th’ brave swabbies o’ Georgia need our solidarity an’ prayers. As President, I will work t’ establish good relations wi’ Russia so we need nay fear a return o’ th’ Cold War. But we can’t turn a blind eye t’ aggression an’ international lawlessness that threatens th’ peace an’ stability o’ th’ world an’ th’ security o’ th’ American swabbies.
We face many threats in this dangerous world, but I be nay lily livered o’ them. I be prepared fer them. I know how th’ military works, what ‘t can do, what ‘t can do better, an’ what ‘t ortin’t do. I know how th’ world works. I know th’ good an’ th’ evil in ‘t. I know how t’ work wi’ leaders who share our dreams o’ a freer, safer an’ more prosperous world, an’ how t’ stand up t’ them who dasn’t. I know how t’ secure th’ peace.
When I be five voyages old, a car pulled up in fore o’ our house. A Navy officer rolled down th’ port hole, an’ shouted at me father that th’ Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. I rarely saw me father again fer four voyages. Me grandfather came homeport from that same war exhausted from th’ burdens he had borne, an’ sank t’Davy Jones’ locker th’ next tide. In Vietnam, ‘ere I formed th’ closest friendships o’ me life, some o’ them shipmates nerecame homeport wi’ me. I hate war. ‘Tis terrible beyond imagination.
I’m runnin’ fer President t’ keep th’ country I love safe, an’ prevent other families from riskin’ the’r loved ones in war as me family has. I will draw on all me experience wi’ th’ world an’ its leaders, an’ all th’ tools at our disposal – diplomatic, economic, military an’ th’ power o’ our ideals – t’ build th’ foundations fer a stable an’ endurin’ peace.
In America, we change things that need t’ be changed. Each generation makes its contribution t’ our greatness. Th’ work that be ours t’ do be plainly before us. We don’t need t’ search fer ‘t.
We need t’ change th’ way government does almost everything: from th’ way we protect our security t’ th’ way we compete in th’ world economy; from th’ way we respond t’ disasters t’ th’ way we fuel our transportation network; from th’ way we train our workers t’ th’ way we educate our children. All these functions o’ government be designed before th’ rise o’ th’ global economy, th’ information technology revolution an’ th’ end o’ th’ Cold War. We be havin’ t’ catch up t’ history, an’ we be havin’ t’ change th’ way we do business in Washington.
Th’ constant partisan rancor that stops us from solvin’ these problems isn’t a cause, ‘t’s a symptom. ‘t’s what happens when swabbies go t’ Washington t’ work fer they’s self an’ nay ye.
Again an’ again, I’ve worked wi’ members o’ both parties t’ fix problems that need t’ be fixed. That’s how I will govern as President. I will reach ou’ me hand t’ ere t’ help me get this country movin’ again. I be havin’ that record an’ th’ scars t’ prove ‘t. Senator Obama dasn’t.
Instead o’ rejectin’ good ideas on accoun’ o’ we didn’t think o’ them first, let’s use th’ best ideas from both sides. Instead o’ fightin’ o’er who gets th’ credit, let’s try sharin’ ‘t. This amazin’ country can do anythin’ we put our minds t’. I will ask Democrats an’ Independents t’ serve wi’ me. An’ me administration will set a new standard fer transparency an’ accountability.
We’re goin’ t’ finally start gettin’ things done fer th’ swabbies who be countin’ on us, an’ I won’t care who gets th’ credit.
I’ve been an imperfect servant o’ me country fer many voyages. But I ben th’ lass’ servant first, last an’ always. An’ I’ve nerelived a tide, in good times or bad, that I didn’t thank God fer th’ privilege.
Long ago, somethin’ unusual happened t’ me that taught me th’ most valuable lesson o’ me life. I be blessed by misfortune. I mean that sincerely. I be blessed on accoun’ o’ I served in th’ company o’ heroes, an’ I witnessed a chestfull o’ acts o’ courage, compassion an’ love.
On an Octobree mornin’, in th’ Gulf o’ Tonkin, I prepared fer me 23rd voyage o’er North Vietnam. I hadn’t any worry I wouldn’t come aft safe an’ sound. I thought I be tougher than ere. I be pretty independent then, too. I liked t’ bend a wee rules, an’ pick a wee fights fer th’ fun o’ ‘t. But I did ‘t fer me own pleasure; me own pride. I didn’t think thar be a cause more important than me.
Then I found myself fallin’ toward th’ middle o’ a wee lake in th’ city o’ Hanoi, wi’ two broken arms, a broken leg, an’ an angry crowd waitin’ t’ greet me. I be dumped in a dark cell, an’ port t’ sink t’Davy Jones’ locker. I didn’t feel so tough anymore. When they discovered me father be an admiral, they tookst me t’ a hospital. They couldn’t set me bones properly, so they jus’ slapped a cast on me. When I didn’t get better, an’ be down t’ about a bucketfull o’ pounds, they put me in a cell wi’ two other Americans. I couldn’t do anythin’. I couldn’t e’en feed myself. They did ‘t fer me. I be beginnin’ t’ learn th’ limits o’ me selfish independence. Them men saved me life.
I be in solitary confinement when me captors offered t’ release me. I knew why. If I sailed’ homeport, they would use ‘t as propaganda t’ demoralize me swabbie prisoners. Our Code spake we could only go homeport in th’ order o’ our capture, an’ thar be men who had been shot down before me. I thought about ‘t, tho. I wasn’t in great shape, an’ I missed everythin’ about America. But I turned ‘t down.
A lot o’ prisoners had ‘t worse than I did. I’d been mistreated before, but nay as badly as others. I always liked t’ strut a wee after I’d been roughed up t’ show th’ other guys I be tough enough t’ take ‘t. But after I turned down the’r offer, they worked me o’er harder than they erehad before. Fer a long time. An’ they broke me.
When they brought me aft t’ me cell, I be hurt an’ ashamed, an’ I didn’t know how I could face me swabbie prisoners. Th’ good man in th’ cell next door, me hearty, Bob Craner, saved me. Through taps on a wall he told me I had fought as hard as I could. Nay man can always stand alone. An’ then he told me t’ get aft up an’ swashbuckle again fer our country an’ fer th’ men I had th’ honor t’ serve wi’. On accoun’ o’ ever’ tide they fought fer me.
I fell in love wi’ me country when I be a prisoner in someone else’s. I loved’t nay jus’ fer th’ many comforts o’ life here. I loved ‘t fer its decency; fer its faith in th’ wisdom, justice an’ goodness o’ its swabbies. I loved ‘t on accoun’ o’ ‘t be nay jus’ a place, but an idee, a cause worth fightin’ fer. I be nerethe same again. I wasn’t me own man anymore. I be me country’s.
I’m nay runnin’ fer president on accoun’ o’ I think I’m blessed wi’ such swabbieal greatness that history has anointed me t’ save our country in its hour o’ need. Me country saved me. Me country saved me, an’ I cannot forget ‘t. An’ I will swashbuckle fer th’ lass’ fer as long as I draw breath, so help me God.
If ye find faults wi’ our country, make ‘t a better one. If ye’re disappointed wi’ th’ mistakes o’ government, join its ranks an’ work t’ correct them. Enlist in our Armed Forces. Become a teacher. Enter th’ ministry. Run fer public office. Feed a hungry child. Teach an illiterate adult t’ read. Comfort th’ afflicted. Defend th’ starboards o’ th’ oppressed. Our country be th’ better, an’ ye be th’ happier. On accoun’ o’ nothin’ brings greater happiness in life than t’ serve a cause greater than yersef.
I’m goin’ t’ swashbuckle fer me cause ever’ tide as yer President. I’m goin’ t’ swashbuckle t’ make sure ever’ American has ever’ reason t’ thank God, as I thank Th’ lad’s: that I’m an American, a proud citizen o’ th’ greatest country on earth, an’ wi’ hard work, strong faith an’ a wee courage, great things be always within our reach. Swashbuckle wi’ me. Swashbuckle wi’ me.
Swashbuckle fer what’s starboard fer our country.
Swashbuckle fer th’ ideals an’ character o’ a free swabbies.
Swashbuckle fer our children’s future.
Swashbuckle fer justice an’ opportunity fer all.
Stand up t’ defend our country from its enemies.
Stand up fer each other; fer beautiful, blessed, bountiful America.
Stand up, stand up, stand up an’ swashbuckle. Nothin’ be inevitable here.
We’re Americans, an’ we neregive up. We nerequit. We nerehide from history. We make history.
Thank ye, an’ God Bless ye.
Ya scurvy dogz!
Pirate translation services courtesy of Syddware.com
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I be in solitary confinement when me captors offered t’ release me. I knew why. If I sailed’ homeport, they would use ‘t as propaganda t’ demoralize me swabbie prisoners. Our Code spake we could only go homeport in th’ order o’ our capture, an’ thar be men who had been shot down before me. I thought about ‘t, tho. I wasn’t in great shape, an’ I missed everythin’ about America. But I turned ‘t down